How we misunderstood love for so long...!

The title of the post kind of declares that we have been misunderstanding what love is from a long time. Why am I so sure of it? I will try to put my perspective about love and what made me write those lines.

 

Since, we started with the word misunderstanding, let us see the actual dictionary meaning of love. According to the Oxford dictionary, Love means " a very strong feeling of liking and caring for somebody/something, especially a member of your family or a friend." It clearly says it as a feeling towards a person most likely from the family member or a friend.

Let us also make sure what Love is not. Some people may think it as an emotion, it is not. It is an expression. So, what is an expression? It is the way you express it or display it. An expression can spring from an emotion or it can come by nature. You can have emotions of anger and you express it by being angry. Similarly, you can be unpleasant and express it in sadness. But, the expression of love is not as a result of your emotions. Love is an expression of the nature of being pleasant or sweet. 

And, most importantly, Love cannot be defined as liking or wanting to have something. A very famous quote which is told to have been said by Gautama, The Buddha goes like "If you like the flower, you pluck it. But, if you love the flower, you nurture it." So, it is also not liking or wanting. 

Now, what is love? If it is not an emotion or not liking, what else could it be? Let us try to use some analogy or an example to arrive at an understanding. 

In my view, Mother is the epitome or the peak of Love. I feel that the mother is an embodiment of Love itself. Most people agrees with me on it. So, let us try to understand Mother's love in detail to try to find more about love. 

A mother loves her child 'the most' and no one has any doubt about it. But, can she love someone else's kid or an orphan kid the same way? Definitely NO. It is clear that the person by her true nature is not loving. Just the "Mother" in that person is loving. So, now it makes sense that the person when performs the role of a mother, she'll be loving. For a kid on the street, she does not perform the role of a mother and hence, no love towards that kid. Here, Love is not in the nature of the person, it is in the nature of the relationship. 

I want you to understand the dichotomy or duality of the discussion here. Here there are two things, the person by their own nature and the relationship they hold (Ex: mother). A person has numerous relationships. The same person can become a mother/father, a wife/husband, a sister/brother, a grand mother/grand father, a friend/enemy and so many other relations. The love in this case is because of the relations they have with the person  and not because of the nature of the being (the person). 

See, there are two persons and there is a relation between them. The "Love" between them is decided by what relation they share. So, Love is based on relations. If we do not relate to someone, we cannot love them. It is true with the country also. We cannot love, say, Sri Lanka because we cannot relate to it in anyway. People from other states love CSK team in IPL because they relate to the team with its players and not with Chennai.

We relate ourselves to some one as mother or sister and love them, we relate to some one else as wife and love them. Both are not the same. The relationship decides it. If love is the nature of the being, the person would have no problem loving everyone independent of the relation. That is what I call Love. Everything else is a relationship and relationship means an adjustment, a transaction which should be mutually beneficial. Just think it yourself as to how many relationships you hold have no expectations at all. I mean, from how many people you love, you expect literally nothing (from as simple as being nice to you or trusting you or taking care of you)? Love is not a transaction, it is the nature of the being. The person can love anything out of their nature, be it an ant, a tree, a mango, a person, a rock and what not. 

Now, if what we are experiencing as love is actually not love, what is it? 

I am not saying that what exists in a relationship in not love at all. But, it is not absolutely what we call it is. Let me try to elaborate on the "relations" to bring clarity to the perspective. 

See, I think there must be some force that distinguishes an alive and dead person. We call it life. Some call it god. let us call it life. This life, no matter what, wants to sustain. It wants to live. So, as an efficient method of sustenance, it formed relations with other lives. If you see how vulnerable and helpless a newly born child is, you can definitely say that the child needs support to live. So, who is supposed to take care? The life force adjusted this by creating a feeling of love in the mother that makes her take care of the child. It made sure that the child lives with the support of the mother till the child grows. As the person grows, there will be many needs like financial, emotional, security and many. For each need, we create a relation. For emotional support, we need a friend. For financial support, we need parents. As soon as we develop a relation, a sense of love enters it. Without which it could be the same as an economic transaction. 

People love opposite gender for procreation and emotional needs. There is an element of love in it. But, it is not all. If you could love a person so hard that you miss that person when not in your company, do not call it true love. Love does not demand company (staying together) but, the needs does. The emotional need wants the person you chose to be always beside you so that the need is satisfied. For example, If a child grows up to become financially stable, it is automatic that he leaves behind those persons who satisfied his financial needs till then. Many cases of sons abandoning their parents is a best example for this. The love, as we have been calling it, is not in the person. It is in the relation. All relations are transactions. Transactions are based on needs. So, as soon as the need ends, transactions end and hence the love. 

So, whenever you feel that you lost you love... it is impossible to loose love. It is in you. You might have lost the relationship that lets you to experience love. The person may be lost. It is not love, just a need. If you still think it is love, just think of this...why did you love only that person? Why only the person from opposite gender you loved and no body else? Why? because you may be aware of it or not.. the life in you wants to procreate.. to reproduce. So, it wants to choose a person to share those needs. In that process, a person may choose one and if the person you chose does not come to you, you feel sad and depressed. You think you lost your love of the life. NO! It is just that your need is not satisfied and you can't tolerate it. It is your ego that makes you depressed. It is similar to the situation when a child cries for only certain flavor of an ice cream because he chose to have it. if he don't get the ice cream of his choice, he cries... not because he do not have an ice cream but because he wished for something and he got some other thing. 

By saying this, I am only trying to make understand what love is and why it is necessary to make love as a nature rather than just a philosophy. I am not undermining the role of relations at all. It has a very important role in development of a society. But, when we can see the difference and could make a clear distinction between love and need, we can sail through them effortlessly. 

I heard some of my friends say that they loved some girl because they are beautiful and chubby or because she is child like and someone else saying that they rejected a girl for being skinny.. Seriously?! You still call this love? Observe the beauty in this, depending upon the way you grew up or your likes and dislikes, you may choose one person to form some relationship. It is your choice. Someone else may hate that same person. It does not mean that your choice is the best. It can never be. It is bound by Karma

I hope everyone becomes loving not by need but by nature. If the people are loving by nature and not by relation, there would be no child that could go hungry. It is lack of love that causes malnutrition and starvation deaths. I urge the readers to not fall in the trap of the relations and believe it to be love, but become loving by your true nature. Love can never leave and can never fail. 

LOVE FAILURES does not exist. Only Ego-failures exist. 

I know that this is an incomplete narration. I am open to any suggestions or differences in views. Please do comment to let me know of any improvements.